I am clinging to routine, to my running schedule, to perfectly balanced meals devoid of junk, to my new vitamin regimen, to quiet days, to nights holed up in our flat with books. I am storing my energy and stockpiling balance. I am meditating. I am soaking up all the calm I can now, because after next week, our lives will spiral into a true koyaanisqatsi.
Next Sunday, I’m throwing a brunch party for all of our people to descend on our apartment and adopt our stuff. Potted herbs, a years worth of paper backs (and for two hungry readers, this is a lot), OS hiking maps, comic books, shampoos I tried and wasn’t a huge fan of, spices, shoes I hate, and other bits of randomness that aren’t fit for a trans-Atlantic crossing need homes.
On the following Tuesday we’re off to Greece for two weeks. We tossed around weather or not to take this trip for a while. But a part of what we wanted from this year abroad was to travel, and although we did get two amazing weekends in Brussels and Paris, we were itching to do a proper, long holiday. We rationalized that Greece will never be closer. We are unlikely to see as favorable of an exchange rate as our pounds have to the euro (the US dollar is weak, weak, weak). It would never be as cheap. We will probably never again have European employers who allot billions of paid days off for us to enjoy a vacation without wondering how rent was going to get paid. Plus, we’d been paying taxes here in Scotland – both local and national — and found out recently that we weren’t supposed to have been. While the phat reimbursement could have gone to paying off our credit debts, it could also fund this trip of a lifetime. What can I say? We were seduced.
We are going first to Crete for a few days, to hike/ride donkeys to the cave that Zeus was born and raised by a goat in. We will also pet Minotaur. Then we’re off to Milos, an island riddled with amazing volcanic formations, caves and haunted by the endangered Monk Seal. A few days later, we’re off to the mainland to kick it in Athens and steal away to worship with a man I found online who thinks he’s an oracle and has direct communication with the sun god Apollo in Delphi. It will be hilarious.
Four days after we return from Greece, our lease is up and we move to the guest bedroom of our good and remarkably generous pals Dan and Bryony. Two days after moving in with them, I run my 10K race. After the race, I step up my training for a 1/2 marathon and kick it with Dan and Bryony for the 20 remaining days of my work contract before saying farewell and heading stateside. The last week before we go is also particularly insane for me, as I’ll be in Dundee for a big chunk of it, as that is where the conference that I’m on contract to market is taking place. When I get back it’s a good bye party at work, then by a good bye party with friends, followed by a good day set aside for that monster hang over before we board a plane.
Where are we going? No idea. What will we be doing next? No idea.
First stop though is MI for two weeks to visit family and attend my mom’s pirate wedding in Mackinac. Then, we move…somewhere. Not MI, though. The unemployment rate there is astounding and the job listings are dismal. Shaun is in the latter interview stages for his dream job in NYC. He is also in discussion with a San Diego company who he has a strong relationship with. My applications are out, but I’m not torqued about any of the prospects and Shaun is. I’m applying to jobs – he’s applying to positions he is passionate about. So if he gets something, we’ll go to whatever that is. Do I want to move to San Diego? Not particularly, but we’re not really in a position to turn our noses up at anything. And we don’t have to stay anywhere forever.
Naturally, we have debt. Most of it is Shaun’s student loans; we now both can pay homage to our education in monthly installments. A relatively small, but never the less present, amount is credit debt incurred from traveling. We expected this. We accepted this. Actually, we expected a bit more than this and I’m pretty damn impressed with our restraint. I’m not worried about the money stuff. We are always very responsible about paying things off; we make games of scrimping and saving. Poverty isn’t so bad when you have a plan out of it.
Anyhow, now entering August without any real idea what we are doing yet, I am trying to keep things simple. I am trying to go one day at a time. There is no cause for alarm. Panic and anxiety are useless emotions. At bedtime, I tell myself stories of us to keep my mind from racing:
We moved from Chicago with no contacts and no jobs. We moved to Glasgow with no contacts, no jobs, and an exchange rate that meant we also had no money. What do you do? You get an apartment. You find a job. You pay the bills. You keep smiling, keep moving. Once you are comfy enough, you chase your dreams once again.
If Shaun manages to get a great job before we actually leave Scotland – that is amazing. But transitioning from one dream to the next is so lucky. We can wish for it, we can work for it, but we can’t be too surprised if it doesn’t happen. In that case, we just pick a place to move, re-group, dust our selves off, and start chasing dreams again.
The trouble is, my partner seems to be under a crushing pressure to make things seamless, to have something concrete in place before we go back. While I appreciate his wanting to make good for our future, I’m also perplexed. We’ve done the “wing-it” thing before and it’s always worked. It has to – it’s sink or swim! If things work out, great, if not, great. I’m excited to see what’s around the corner regardless, even if it is a scary monster. We chose to have big balls in this world, and now we have to bear the brassy weight of them. (Ha! I crack myself up.)
I suspect he is also grieving this transition – this has been a pretty sweet year for him. He dedicated his days to his art and was surrounded by a community of talented writers. I imagine the prospect of having to go back to lame office work (which in his mind, seem to be most things that are not writing or editing), might feel like total, soul sucking regression. He’s just going through something, I guess. I am too, but I think I have better coping mechanisms. He’s a brooder, a state I’ve never truly felt. I just get things off my chest, have a very loud, dramatic melt-down, and get over it. Or if my big, messy life reaches a particularly hairy point like it has recently, I simplify things. I break the challenge down into steps, maintain a healthy awareness of the larger picture but absorb myself in the task at hand. I’m not saying I don’t get emotionally weird every now and again in the process – I’m not perfect. And for all I know brooding could give you loads of insights that I trim out when simplifying. So I guess there is no better or worse way of dealing. We deal how we deal. We’re only humans.
Anyhow, this post is getting long and the whole point of it began with me wanting to write about my trip to the Isle of Cumbrae today.
With only a few free, non-crazy weekends left here in Scotland, I wanted to try out a fun day trip that my work friends recommended to me: the Isle of Cumbrae. A short 1-hour train ride + a little ferry trip + a small bus ride gets you from Glasgow to Millport, the only town on this wee island. There, you can eat loads of ice cream and fish and chips. You can also rent out bikes, which is what I did since I already had a delicious ice cream at the port town we left from while I waited for the ferry. Shaun stayed at home to get work done (he’s currently revising his novel for an interested agent and that must be done before Greece).
The Isle of Cumbrae is small and flat and pretty, with one whole side protected from the cold winds whipping off the Atlantic. I biked at an extraordinarily leisurely pace around the whole island twice in about two and 1/2 hours. I listened to my ipod, sang along when no one was around, and laughed at the madness of my life. I read my book on the train and wrote in my journal at a bar waiting for my Glasgow-bound train back home. I’m tired now. Too tired to think. Too tired to do anything but love the other human I share my life with. Because at the end of the day, we are just people trying to do our best. And that counts for something. That counts for everything.
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How do you cope with life when it gets messy?