August 5, 2007
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Jesus and Mary Sittin’ in a Tree…
On the radio today, I heard that Wal-Mart is selling talking dolls that spout Christian scripture. There’s nothing like cultivating an even richer Madonna/Whore complex than selling chaste, holy dolls along side the sex-kittenish Bratz dolls and boob-licious Barbies. Plus, have the manufactures of these dolls ever actually watched a little girl play with dolls? Because when playing with dolls who are modeled after adults, little girls do one of two things:
Option 1:
This kind of little girl gets the doll pretty enough to go on a date with the boy doll. Or, in the absence of a boy doll, the main doll can go on a date with another girl doll – probably the one with brown hair. They go out on a brief date that ends with the two characters smashed together mid-air, making kissy sounds and humping. The little girl strips the dolls and inspects their plastic anatomies before tossing the mangled, raped things aside to move on to another game.Option 2:
This kind of little girl gives the doll a hair cut. It doesn’t turn out quite right, so the girl thinks it will be funny to just go ahead and shave the doll’s head entirely. The little girl decides that the doll would look better with tattoos – she draws all over the dolls body. The little girl wonders if she can shave the dolls legs like mommy. She uses the pink razor in the shower to cut hunks out of the dolls plastic legs before leaving the mutilated skinhead in the bathtub to go play outside.Have you ever seen anything different? Just imagine how much trouble you’d get in if you were doing either of those things to the Virgin Mary!
Also, they played a few clips of what the talking dolls said. My favorite was from the Ester doll:
“Go gather together all the Jews who are in Susa and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish. Esther 4:16.”
What kind of freak are you trying to raise if you incorporate fasting into playtime? Plus, kids don’t understand this language! And even if they did, this little snippet is completely lacking in context – you’d never know from that little clip that Esther was really trying to save the Jews. It just sounds like the lady is going on a deadly crash diet.
Also weird, the Mary doll reportedly has a much smaller bust than all the other Bible ladies in the line up. And what’s the lesson here, kids? Boobies are sinful. The smaller your tata’s, the more moral you are. Hate your body! Hate it before it even grows into anything!
If I were a parent, I would be worried that my child has a chemical imbalance if they enjoyed playing with these toys as they are meant to be played with. Can you imagine a child who sedately pulls the string of the Moses doll, just to hear him methodically say, “Thou shalt not kill” over and over? Yikes!
Are the Barbies and Bratz dolls better? No. ‘Course not. It’s all fucked up. I’m just thankful that I was never interested in playing with Barbies (unless I was at a friend’s house, giving them haircuts) and had parents who filled my toy box with stuffed animals, art supplies, and books instead.
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How do you think a real-live kid will react to the Bible dolls?::Random Tangent::
Yay for the Sunday long run. I ran 7 miles today! I think that is the longest I’ve ever run in the history of my body. Woo Hoo! This graduated running plan is fun. Me like. My friend showed me a fab website to help me keep increasing my milage. It’s called www.mapmywalk.com. It lets you draw your route on a Google Earth map and tells you how many miles it is. Very cool. Although, you can save your walk as a public profile, which baffles me. Hello! Do the people who publish their running route want to get stalked?!? I am very careful to save my routes to a private profile, but I think its handy to show someone you live with or a friend your route, so that if you are unlucky enough to get kidnapped from your early morning run, they know where to start looking for your corpse. Ha! I don’t really think this way, but you just have to watch your back when you have a vagina in this world. Especially if you preffer to run by yourself. Anyhow, that’s my tip of the day, passed from a friend to me, and from me to you. Have a good Sunday!
Comments (6)
lol I was probably option 1.
I’m guessing that kids will play with whatever they’re playing with, regardless of what their parents tell them they’re supposed to think. Give a kid a Barbie and a God-Doll, and they’ll probably both end up naked at the bottom of the wading pool, and the kid will have made up some imagination land for them where they’re best friends and they work together as astronaut veterinarians saving the stuffed animals.
I love that map! I can see saving a running route as a public item (maybe under an assumed name) to help other runners/walkers find especially good routes. I’m with you on the safety issue, though.
I think you are right about the way kids play. It’s the same with so many things. Even online social networks. The distinctions made between them are amusing and childlike because in the end the functions are still the same given the people involved. If there were a Christian FaceBook just as many people would use it a hook up place and just as many would use it for pure fun. The users don’t change, the dolls do a little and of course as users age their preferences change but still can easily be classified.The dolls would be funny except for they are yet another auger for what we know is a powerful faction of America dead set on brainwashing (their term now, they re not shy anymore about what they are doing) children with the Bible in every way they can.But the cool part is what you have pointed out. They will blaspheme! Life will find a way. It always does. No matter how they try, their children will come round to their own beliefs because it is their nature, their life. Real live three year olds will try to eat the dolls. Hilarious!I have to plot my bike route on the google maps. I never really added carefully the distance to the rtail and back and that might be fun to know. Thanks for link!Oh and you had me laughing so hard with this Truly!You go woman with your mileage!
I remember when my girls were little. I could get one to play with Barbie, and the other one would only play with trucks. My wife used to tell her only boys played with trucks. I tried to tell my wife I didn’t care what they played with, as long as they loved us things were fine. All that to say that kids are going to play with whatever’s fun. It’s just up to us parents to make sure they’re safe and decent.
I’m jealous you got so much scotch in Scotland. I’m a bourbon drinker myself, but scotch is for special occasions. Must be every day’s a special occasion for you.
ryc on lizzy’s site: I bet you could make a pretty good burrito, even in Scotland.
I can’t decide whether this news is really amazing, or if I’m surprised it took so long. But I’m definitely surprised that Esther made the cut. I mean — Esther?
It seems like if someone took religion very seriously, those dolls would annoy them for a different reason. For one thing, they are a pretty crass mechanism for making money off of religious adults who want to pass a certain set of values off on kids (like the “Christian Supply” trinket shops that are in every mall now). But the other thing is, a Jesus Christ action figure reduces a religious figure to the same level as, I don’t know, Han Solo, Jar Jar Binks, whatever licenced characters as being sold to kids as action figures these days. If I wanted a kid to take religion seriously, the last thing I would want to do would be to buy him all twelve apostle action figures.
Four Christian Action Figure Products We Probably Won’t See Anytime Soon
4. “Lot and His Daughters Action Cave”
3. The “Sacrifice of Isaac Set”
2. The Golden Calf
1. “Crucifiction Set with Cross, Cave, Shroud, and Pontius Pilate figure with automatic hand-washing action. Jesus Christ figure sold separately.”
um, I’m christian and those dolls freaked me out. I was like dude thats weird. anywho, I’m totally going to use that website to map my nighttime run. Sounds cool. I run with my dog, but he’s not a good partner, so it sucks. But I can’t go by myself cuz I live in the “hood.”