May 5, 2005
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If I Ran the ZOO…
I was tagged by jerjonji to do this exercise. The name of the game is to find five things you could be from this list inspired by the Dr. Seuss book If I Ran the Zoo and complete the sentence on how it would contribute to society.
Here’s the list to choose from:
If I could be a painter…If I could be a gardener…If I could be a missionary…If I could be a chef…If I could be an architect……If I could be a psychologist…If I could be a librarian…If I could be an athlete…If I could be a lawyer…If I could be an inn-keeper…If I could be a professor…If I could be a writer…If I could be a llama-rider…If I could be a bonnie pirate…If I could be an astronaut…If I could be a world famous blogger…If I could be a justice on any one court in the world…If I could be married to any current famous political figure…
At first glance, this exercise seems like an awesome amount of fun, but when you take a closer look at the options it is a bit lackluster (no offense jerjonji—you know I love ya!). Plus, I’m starting to realize that my contributions to society have little to do with my profession. If I were any of these things I would still recycle, volunteer, and be nice, which I suspect do more to make the world a better place than any of the other loftier ideas I have could ever hope to. Anyhow, here it is:
If I could be a Bonnie Pirate (which, coincidently I already am), I’d start my own show, called Arrg! A Pirate Show! I’d get Captain Morgan’s Rum to sponsor me so there would be no commercial breaks. I’d have guest stars that would play the pesky “stow away” and I’d sail the seven seas with a parrot on my shoulder. The parrot would have chronic diarrhea, to satisfy my inclinations to low brow comedy. I’d burgle from major political figures and anyone else who deserves it, like James Dobson. During campaign season, if politicians running for election and looking to score “coolness” points, they’d guest star on my show as themselves. Except James Dobson. He wouldn’t be invited. Arrg! The Pirate Show! would air on comedy central, slotted before the Dave Chappelle Show. It would be too cutting edge, sardonic, and satirical to receive any accolades from the academy, but the season DVD’s would sell like hot cakes, confirming its status as having an underground, cult following.
If I could be a writer, I’d be hip and savvy and immeasurably cool. My husband (who will also be a famous writer at this point) and I would invite David Sedaris and his sister Amy over to our amazing New York flat, where we would sip wine and talk about the funny side of the worlds atrocities and bittersweet reality. I would read my personal essays on NPR. Hit television shows would be created based on my personal essay writing (I’m imagining it would look a lot like the show Freaks and Geeks). I would sell the rights to these show ideas for millions and stay on the writing staff as a consultant. I would chronically travel the world and gather more experiences and observations to write about. I would try to change the world through satire in the admirable fashion of John Stewart.
I would be happy just writing, but since I crave a creative, youthful community in order to flourish, I’d create a not-for-profit (with all my millions made from my writing) dedicated to encouraging young people’s creativity and a teen’s ownership and right to an opinion. With the help of knowledgeable artist mentors, the not-for-profit would help teens publish their writing, produce thier plays and their dance and music performances. Mentors and staff would be dedicated to assisting teens in creating films and visual art, and showing this fine work. The not-for-profit would be big and sprawling and there would be at least one in every state. They would be in extremely rural areas and in extremely urban areas. They would be in every kind of ethnic community. I would hire all my creative, nurturing friends to manage them for me and I would visit every site at least once a year to host workshops.
If I could be a missionary, I’d keep to myself so that I wouldn’t be able to bribe others with food and clothes. Kept snug in solitary confinement, I would stop requesting that people abandon their cultures and traditions in order to become more like me. I would probably feel just as self-righteous as any good missionary in doing these favors for the world, so that’s at least one perk for me.
If I could do justice on any one court in the world I would become enraged and horrified and depressed that it was my destiny to only do justice in one court. I would go insane trying to sort through which one should take priority. I would wind up foaming at the mouth and senile. I’m better off multi-tasking.
So, that is my five. I get to pass this little Internet game on now, although I grow hesitant to do so. I hate assigning people to do things—it seems weird, as I enjoy reading the things you already post. So I won’t “tag” anyone, per say. But if you’d like to put a comment in my box about what you would do if you went rabid in a zoo (or something along the lines of changing the world based on having a few shoddy professions), feel free! It’s pretty fun to do. Add your own shoddy profession to have if none of the ones listed above jump out at you.
If I ran the zoo……
I’d make a few changes,
That’s just what I’d do…
Comments (4)
you’re not stuck with those choices… i didn’t use them- they surely aren’t the things I ever want to do… redo it and use your imagination- let it run wild and break the rules!!!!! but i like what you did with those!
Do you think many people pick If I could be a lawyer…? Me neither. But I may as well at least try one, in the spirit of things:
If I could be a professor, I would try to turn learning upside-down. I would want my classes to be discussions, not lectures. I would want learning to be a collaborative process … there would be great texts to read and issues to tackle, but we would all do so via dialogue and interaction. We would entertain a lot of “what if” scenarios, envisioning certain historical trends if things happened a bit differently (what if Trotsky had won the power struggle to run the Soviet Union? What if the U.S. had the capacity to head off the Pearl Harbor attack? What if John Lennon and Paul McCartney had never met?). We would get out of our classroom more and take advantage of social and cultural events happening during the day (I put together a programming committee … did you get the memo?). We would collaborate with other classes, break down barriers between disciplines and generally turn the whole campus into our laboratory. I guess I would have to be a tenured professor before I did evertyhing. But hey …
If I ever get a novel published…I’d like to speak around the country, and the world, about the spiritual nature of the world we live in. We are not mere objects placed on a globe in space, but souls with immense reach and infinite possiblities.
I could never be a judge, because I’d be so depressed at the injustice in the world, I’d never be able to get it out of my system. Which is another reason I never did city beat reporting, because if I had to cover child abuse cases and the like I’d be so full of rage and depression, I wouldn’t be able to function.
RYC: Eva Luna is extemely cool. I’ve only read “Eva Luna,” and haven’t gotten to “The Stories of Eva Luna” yet, but I do love Isabelle Allende’s writing. “The House of the Spirits” was so wonderful. Sigh. I also second your comments on Humbert Humbert. The genius of that book was that you had the uneasy feeling of rooting for the unreliable narrator. Not an easy device to use and it usually fails when people try it. Interestingly, Lolita, who is the tragic figure and the victim in the book, is somehow made to look like the victor, all because of Humbert’s POV. Really, Nabakov was a genius.
Lynn
You already ARE a writer, and a damn good one at that!