November 13, 2005
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Timshead tagged me to post this. I hope you all have a jolly laugh at my expense.
Five Bizarre-o Facts About Chicago Art Girl 23
1. I frequently tell the very naughty Aristocrats joke exclusively using the plucky characters from the show Seventh Heaven
2. I have dreams in which I am Buffy the Vampire Slayer, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar. I slay everything and save everyone.
3. When disaster strikes, I will be the leader of the New Free World. For this reason, I am stockpiling food. So far I’ve got a box of couscous, leftover Halloween Baby Ruth’s, old trail mix, and thirty-seven dollars. Join me!
4. When people first meet me they say at least one of three things:
a.) “What’s the story behind your name?”
b.) “I bet you play basketball!”
c.) “Are you a model?”I answer differently depending on my mood and my first impression of the person asking/if I’ll ever see them again.
5. When at the beach when I was a little girl, my cousin and I had a particularly innovative way of relieving our full bladders. We knew that peeing in the water was bad (we called the warm spots of water “decaffeinated”), but who has time to trek all the way to the bathrooms? We simply raced to the sand, sat down, and buried our pelvises beneath it, creating a lovely utilitarian sculpture we liked to call the Sand Diaper. We pissed into the sand diaper and then stood up, leaving crusts of wet, pissy sand in our wake.
Don’t worry. We don’t do it anymore. But it’s still funny.
Consider anyone reading this tagged. Leave your weirdness in my comment box.
Comments (10)
Funny stuff! I knew I wouldn’t be disappointed. I’m not sure I’ve ever laughed so hard as I did watching The Aristocrats. Maybe you should use that joke to answer one of the three questions people always ask you. I got my name after my parents walked into this talent agent’s office …
I can’t think of a better use of the Seventh Heaven cast than to cast them in the Aristocrats. Now I’m giggling just thinking about how that could go.
“1. I frequently tell the very naughty Aristocrats joke exclusively using the plucky characters from the show Seventh Heaven”
Brilliant…absolutely brilliant.
Jay {you open your mouth and I’m grounded once more} “Rawr”
Now I’ll have a new thing to be paranoid about when I hit the beach. Don’t step in the crusty sand kids!
I wanna hear that version of the joke, verbatim! lol I found you thru TimsHead and laughed so hard at the first post (5 weird things) I knew I had to subscribe!
You should bask in the glow of 4.c when you’re having one of those deathly-ill-horrible-complexion-faint-on-the-train days.
Having never seen the Aristocrats and not really ever watching Seventh Heaven, I don’t really get that (sadly, as I’m sure it was funny). But I did see Jessica Beale having lunch with her dog at a little sidewalk patio the other day (about two weeks ago, actually). She is one of the VERY few celebrities I’ve seen who looks exactly the same in real life. Not sure if that counts for anything…
Okay five what? Bizarre-o-facts. Me, bizarre? (evil laugh)1. I believe in astrology, despite all the logical protestrations of the left side of my brain. See today’s blog for more.2. My pet peeve is being called Linda, and people do it ALL THE TIME. I’ve had to explain to people that Lynn and Linda are not related in any way (look it up, if you don’t believe me), with Lynn being an anglo-saxon word for pond or cascade, and Linda being Spanish for beautiful. Yet, people continue to call me Linda or think that Lynn is short for Linda. It can drive me into a rage.3. I have cross-dominance, which means I am right-handed but left-eyed. This is supposed to mean that I’m athetically challenged, which might explain my tennis game on its bad days.4. People consider me pretty intelligent, but I just go blank when I look at numbers. Math-phobia big time. I’m pretty sure it’s incurable. most people are shocked when I can’t figure out the tip for lunch. (I just over-tip and get out of there.)5. I sometimes think how much easier life would be for me in Japan, where everyone is my size. I’m fascinated by Asian everything. I like to think I’d pass for Japanese if I just wore sunglasses.Lynn (not Linda)
RYC: Oh where did you get the Sandman deck? I’d kill to get my hands on one.Lynn
What the heck is the Aristocrats joke? Okay, I just clicked on the link. Now I want to see this movie. One weird thing… looking at the cast—I see lots of HIMSELFs but not a whole lot of HERSELFs. (Herselves?) Why aren’t more women comedians?Anyway:1) I have a weird thing about germs, as in, I don’t like them. I’m learning to get over it, but still, if my hand touches something gross, and I don’t wash it immediately, for the rest of the day I will remember that my hand is contaminated, even if I can’t remember why.2) I speak to Chelsea (to whom in real life I most frequently refer to as The Stink) in a language called Dungee (hard G). It’s a language my brother and I developed over time, because Chelsea is just too darned cute to speak regular English (but it’s not baby talk. Ugh, I hate baby talk). Although Dungee is basically English with a funny accent and a lot of extra syllables added in, my mother never could understand what the heck we were saying when we spoke in it, so it served a double purpose. Example: Stinkabagee, dbyou wajant bredjekfabajee? Translation: Stink, do you want breakfast? Before Chelsea lost her hearing, she was fluent in Dungee and responded more readily to it than to English.3) I am obsessed with picking at blackheads and pimples, which, despite the fact that I am thankfully no longer a pubescent teen, still riddle my face.4) I’m getting over this one, but I have a fear of plants that are still attached to the ground. Not all plants, but things like tall grasses, skunk cabbages, and thick moss gross me out. Venus fly traps are the grossest of all plants. I attribute this fear to an episode of Inspector Gadget in which he was walking through an overgrown garden that started to attack him, and the only thing that saved his life was his Go-Go Gadget Legs. I don’t have those, so I would have been a goner.5) Old men and weird-ass freak show guys tend to really like me and then often become obsessed with me. I can’t explain it, other than the fact that everyone else on the planet refuses to give these people the time of day. Since I’m too nice to be rude, they cling to me like a kindergartener to his mother’s leg. It’s weird.
Oh yeah…the sand diaper is hilarious! I have at least 15 gallons of water stored in various closets around the house (1 gallon bottles, 0.5 liter bottles) because I am on a water well and have no water when the electricity goes out. Once upon a time, I had a lot of canned goods in an obsessive-compulsive stockpile (alphabetized, stored with the labels all facing in the same direction). Gotta worry about a woman with alphabetized spices and canned goods