December 15, 2004
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Hello Ladies and Gents! I’m back with a revision of the five minute scene I had requested your assistance with. Your emails and postings were fabulously helpful–thank you!
I have softened the begining to create more of a lighthearted open and a more sympathetic close. Please let me know how this new revision works for you, indulgent reader. I promise, I won’t bore you all with revisions past this drastic one. I only linger with you all so long with this because of the emotional complexity I am trying to pack into 5 minutes. So for those who are in high school, for those who remember it well, for those who study/studied Psycology, for those who are writers—your imput on the realism and emotional pull are most appreciated.
Also, I’d like to thank my most adored critic (sorry to play favorites , sweet readers) by recomending his website to you all. The site features fantasticly beautiful writing.
The address is: www.shaunmanning.com.
Enjoy!
SCENE 1
A suburban high school, 4:00pm. School has ended for the day and SHERI is standing outside the theater, looking at the recent play rehearsal schedule. SHERI wears a floral dress, combat boots, a backpack, and short, brightly dyed hair. Soon, JAMES approaches her. JAMES wears a Mr. Peanut T-shirt and bright green bell-bottoms, a purple scarf, and a pink backpack. He sneaks up from behind her, smacks her butt with his playbook. SHERI isn’t at all surprised.
JAMES
Ola Chica.SHERI
(Rubbing her now-sore butt)
Hi ass fetish!JAMES
(Jokingly pinching Sheri’s checks like she is a baby.)
Who’s my Diva? Who is it?SHERI
Your mamma.JAMES
I wish!SHERI
Act two isn’t rehearsing ‘till 5 and I’m hungry like the wolf.JAMES
(Pretending to make a claw, but it is all too delicate)
Rar!SHERI
(Laughing and threading her arm through his)
No, not hungry like the sex kitten, hungry like the wolf.Together, they begin to walk to a set of nearby vending machines in the school lobby. JAMES begins to sing Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf.” SHERI joins him and they are soon skipping in a kick-line towards the vending machines, laughing.
A group of five jock guys enters the lobby. They stop their conversation and stand jeering at JAMES and SHERI, who are oblivious to their presence. James breaks away from SHERI and takes his scarf and puts it around his shoulders and shimmies up to Sheri, who is cracking up.
JOCK #1
(Whistling)
Take it off, faggot!JAMES and SHERI stop their dance, startled. The group of guys laugh even harder. Jock #2 drops his glass juice bottle on the floor. It shatters, and instinctually, without hesitation, he grabs a large shard of glass and chucks it at James’s face. James flinches, and falls to the floor. Sheri is confused. The jocks hush.
SHERI
James?JAMES
Shit.James looks up, and from his eyebrow, a gush of blood flows. Sheri gasps and glares accusingly at the group of jocks.
JOCK #3
Lets go!They take off down the hallway.
SHERI
(Screaming after them, red faced)
What the hell do you think you are doing!?! Come here you freaking assholes!JAMES
Sheri, shut up. I’m fine.SHERI
(Still screaming after them)
Don’t think for a goddamned second that you are getting away with this! I’m going to kill you, you filthy shit mongrels!James lets out an unexpected chuckle, startling Sheri.
SHERI
(To James)
What?JAMES
(Softly laughing)
Shit mongrel?SHERI
Stop laughing!JAMES
(Blotting away his blood with a Kleenex)
Let them go.SHERI
(Crying)
Screw you.JAMES
(Joking)
Pretty please?SHERI
It’s not funny.JAMES
Okay shit mongrel.Despite herself, Sheri laughs through her tears.
JAMES
Come here.Sheri goes to her friend, and hugs him. She checks his cut.
SHERI
How can you just let them go?JAMES
How can’t I?SHERI
I hate them.JAMES
Don’t we all.SHERI
(Touching his hurt eyebrow)
Lets go to the nurses and have this cleaned up.JAMES
(Looking panicked)
Can you just please do it?SHERI
(Resigning to the fact)
You aren’t planning on telling anybody.JAMES
I’m not the crusader you want.SHERI
(Upset)
It’s not about what I want…JAMES
(Interrupting, shaken and wrought with
emotion)
I’m not your little pet project. I just can’t…James breaks down crying.
SHERI
Look-I was just trying to help! Excuse me for being a friend!They sit in silence for a time. JAMES face is set in an impenetrable expression. Only the soundless tears that run down his face betray his emotion. He lets his blood drip from his brow without even putting a hand to it. SHERI searches his face and is softened.
SHERI
(Soothing)
Hey. Okay. All right.Beat.
SHERI
Our Act is up soon.JAMES
Yeah.From her backpack, she retrieves tissues, a bottle of water, and a makeup bag. She dab some water from the bottle onto a tissue.
SHERI
(Blotting the wet tissue onto his eye)
Tilt your head back.James does, as Sheri cleans away all the blood. James lets quiet tears roll down his cheeks. Sheri wipes them away, and takes James head in her hands.
SHERI
(Singing)
I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay!JAMES
Oh do I ever.SHERI
Shhh. Shut up so I can make you beautiful.Sheri begins to apply some powder to his cut, and under his puffy, tear streaked eyes.
JAMES
Lets remember to laugh about this when we’re famous some day.SHERI
Of course.Sheri continues to apply the makeup, as we fade to black.
Comments (2)
You’ve done a wonderful job with this scene, particularly in the rewrite, where you give us a more insight into Sheri and James’ friendship. You have succeeded in your rewrite in making the hate crime scene more dramatic, and by extension Sheri and James’ exchange at the end more touching. You really should film it.
On a side note, thank you for the very nice words. I appreciate it. I have not listened to “This American Life”–I have only enough time in the morning to catch “Morning Edition.” When does it air? I’ll check it out.
This was very good and, I thought, true to life. I’m not long out of high school; gee did I hate those jocks. Of course, the feeling was mutual. Are you going to write more?
Also thanks for your comments about the meaning of sex. I am safe. At least physically. Emotionally, who knows? Can I keep from blurring the lines? I felt so sure at the time. But now?