February 16, 2009

• Mantis in the Belly

  Last Thursday, I came out of the closet as a pregnant lady. That’s right Xanga-verse, there’s been a bun in the oven for 12 weeks now. Fetus-reality took some getting used to at first, but eventually the shock gave way to some good ‘ole wholesome awe.

  I’ve written a few secret pregnancy blogs. (Xanga has a cool “protected” feature that allows for such things.) I’ve made these blogs public today. If you’re interested, you’re probably my grandpa or my mom. Links to these blogs are below.

  • The First Day of Knowing – January 4
  • Confirmed by Medical Professionals – January 10
  • First Trimester Sucks – January 24
  • Truly Gets Phat – January 26

  Last Wednesday, Shaun and I had a doctor’s appointment. A nice lady at the doctor’s office did an ultra-sound  and confirmed that the fetus and I were in perfect health.
  
  Here is a picture from the ultra-sound:
   

  With a clean bill of heath for me and Zorak, it just seemed like time to dish to friends and family. Plus, last week was the first week in an age that I actually felt good again. The morning sickness lifted suddenly and my energy was back in full force. I felt ready for the world to know. I felt ready to deal with whatever reaction I was going to get.

  My gut feeling was that I wanted to tell my workplace first. It was important to me that I felt secure in my personal life and my ability to care for the mantis before I shared the news with family. I wanted to know my maternity benefits. I needed to know–for sure–that my workplace would be supportive of me. If I suspected we were going to need major support (possibly financial) from family, I wanted to be upfront about it.

  Thursday at lunch, I practiced telling my work-friend, Michelle. She was so warm and happy for me, so reassuring that this was actually good news and that I was being silly to think it might put my career or my integrity in jeopardy. I was also worried because nearly every cultural institution in the city has been downsizing. The MCA has not yet gone there—and we’ve been told that we won’t—but I still was really worried that a pregnant lady might be an easy person to lay off.

  “You’re crazy!” she said, “I mean, I get what you’re saying–that happens to people. But not where we work. No one is going to do anything but support you.”

  Thursday afternoon, at 4:45pm, I sat down with my boss and said:

  “Do you want to end the day with a crazy bit of news?”
  “Shoot.”
  “I went to the doctor yesterday because I’m a pregnant lady.”

  My boss shrieked and cheered and congratulated me. She ran out into the hallways to tell the entire museum. It was the warmest, most fun, most genuine reaction that I could have ever hoped for. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that much enthusiasm, I’ll tell you that. Colleagues came swarming in, giving hugs, asking me what I needed, how I was, how on earth I’d slipped through the radar. I was showered with “Mozel Tov”‘s and “Congratulations!”

  I’d anticipated that I’d bristle under the attention, feeling that “Congratulations” should be saved for a real achievement: a new job, a promotion, graduation. But I did not anticipate the warmth behind it. I realized, hearing my congratulations cheered with such love, that the English language is simply limited. We just don’t have a word for “Wow! That is so cool and surprising and I am in support of it!” 

  When I got home, I called my family and the love-fest just continued. I don’t know why I was expecting people to be so critical; I think I was just critical of me. Everyone else seems to think I’ll be a pretty good moms.

  My mom shrieked and repeated “you’re kidding” a few times before laughing maniacally and putting me on speaker phone. Tony kept repeating, “that’s cool. Congratulations. Wow. That’s cool.” My dad was dead silent and said “I am completely shocked. I feel old. But this is good news, True.”Shaun’s sisters were excited; one of them is also pregnant right now so these two cousins will both be the same age; hers just a few months older. Shaun’s parents were shockingly cool and collected. Everyone has been so supportive and full of love. When I changed my Facebook status to: “Truly got knocked up,” there was an explosion of fun messages from friends and acquaintances from across the globe. 

  I don’t believe that anyone is in any position to say when life begins. But for me, I truly believe that this fetus’ life began in earnest when it became part of a family. Introducing the mantis to family and friends made things real for us. It made me able to visualize this as more than a hypothetical situation of biology. It made me see it as an individual.

  Its hard not to want to think of what this kid will look like, what this kid will be like. But I want to make sure that we don’t impose any sort of personality on it; I want to approach meeting this little thing with curiosity and unconditional love. Still, I can’t help feeling that whatever is living inside of me is going to be smart and funny. I can’t help but feeling like this little mantis is going to grow into the kind of person I like best.
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  • 10:54 am
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