December 10, 2007

• It’s hot. It’s sexy. It’s toilet paper.

  
  A group of corporate advertising executives are meeting in the dark chambers of Charmin HQ. Their task: to come up with the marketing strategy that will close out 2007 with the highest sales record of toilet paper in history. The men, dressed in their most convincing suits, are flanked by posters of the current Charmin bear campaign. In the front two corners of the room, a mousy assistant has stacked neat pyramids of Charmin rolls for inspiration.

  After a hearty round of handshakes, the meeting kicks off with unbridled enthusiasm from Kevin, the team’s youngest member. Fresh from Yale and with more bright-eyed charisma than an Osmond*, Kevin  launches into an infectious pitch, one that excites and engages the more seasoned executives, reminding them why they got into this advertising game in the first place. Kevin cares not about overstepping his bounds or about seniority. Because he feels this idea in his bones.

  “Gentleman, before we begin this meeting as we usually do, with a sales report from Hank, I just wanted to get something off my chest, something that is of great concern to both me and you. Let me ask you gentleman this: since when did wiping your ass become such a chore?”

  A collective, “huh?” rises from the table. Kevin continues, undaunted, “Lets make toilet paper fun again! Lets make shitting fun again! Picture this: an amusement park where the only ride is a toilet. A real, live toilet for all in Times Square to share and evacuate on!”

  The men are hooked. A rumble of excitement bubbles up in the room. Johnson, a concave-chested man with a salt and pepper comb-over gets caught up in the excitement: “Yes! There will be sassy cha-cha-cha music!”

  “Because wiping is SEXY!” Kevin encourages.

  “No kidding! I wipe even when I don’t have to! Just for the sensation! Was that too much information?”

  “Don’t worry about it, Hank,” Kevin says, “Be liberated! Be Charmin. BE the brand.”

  Soon, the whole board room is talking at once, a clamor of unbridled enthusiasm.

  “Lets have people dressed as toilets dancing in the street!”

  “Lets have freshly wiped cheerleaders!”

  “And out-of-work-dancers!”

  “This is going to be incredible. You know, when I think of taking a massive dump in a public bathroom, I think: Photo Opp.”

  “Yes! Lets have a whole station where you can take your picture, with a post-piss look of relief on your face!”

  “Okay, okay. This is good, guys. This is good. Now lets talk merch,” Kevin says.

  “When I think of baby soft tissue caressing my bare ass – which I can’t stop thinking of for the life of me – I think of t-shirts. Charmin t-shirts.”

  “My daughter would love one.”

  “My wife is already asking for one!”

  Hank rips open his button down to reveal an undershirt with “I Love Charmin” scrawled across it in black marker. “I HAVE ONE!”

  Hank pants, his Charmin t-shirted chest heaving. The other members of the board room mop their brows, where sweat gathers. The scent of man rises in the room.

  “Sorry. I just get so over-stimulated thinking about ass wipes!”

  “Over-stimulated. That’s exactly the feeling we want to convey at the Charmin Restrooms,” Kevin says. “Now lets get to work, boys!”

                                                                              ***

  Yesterday afternoon, on our way to Virgin Megastore to covet DVDs, my friend Derek and I came across something that I can scarcely describe: The Charmin Restrooms. I can only say that it was horrifying and that, giddy from brunch-time mimosas and in an effort to awaken patrons from corporate brainwashing, we may or may not have scrambled onto the stage where the toilet paper cheerleaders danced and shouted, “I’M REALLY INTO SCAT!”

  Click Here for a You-Tube video of the Charmin Rooms.

  Capitalism has gotten gruesome, even by Times Square standards. Oh, America. Have you any idea how revolting you’ve become?

  

  *An Osomnd.

  5.59 EDIT:

  YAY YAY YAAAAAAAAAY!

  I was just offered the writers workshop job! Hot diggity! Work that utilizes my skills! A creative enviroment that I don’t feel like I’m drowning in! All the free writing classes I can handle! Best pay in U.S. Dollars that I’ve ever earned! WHOA!

  During the job interview, I learned that the turnover rate at this small organization is really small. Why? They treat their employees like humans. No one ever wants to leave. It is all close knit and stuff. This is why they were really careful about the hiring process. Many are writers and artists; it is loose and creative and everything I could ever dream of for somewhere I’d feel good and comfy about working at.

  I am the Office and Events Manager. I will be doing day-to-day admin stuffs as well as coordinating special events, readings, and publicity.

  YAY YAY YAAAAAAY!

  They want me to come in for a few days here and there before the new year, just so that when I start in earnest on January 2, I will be ready to hit the ground running with their new semester.

  Also, has anyone ever used Craigslist for Rideshares? I’ve been trying to hook up with a ride back to MI for a few days now, but the thing I had thought was arranged this weekend fell through and I was bummed until I was contacted by an even cooler ride this afternoon. We’ll be riding round trip in a spacious 2004 Ford Excursion with another couple who lives only blocks away from us and also has family in the Detroit-metro area. For $200 and half the tolls, we’ll get some bargain holiday travel and a few more days to boot!

  YAY!

  Shaun’s off at a comic writers event tonight, doing his networking thang, so I’ve no one to be spastic with about my happy news! It makes me rabid and want to go out for drink somewhere that has a jukebox and a dance floor.

  YAAAAAYYYY!

  Finally, I’m settled here. No more crazy. Really this time. I have what I want. I never realized how restless and dramatic and persistant I am when I don’t get what I want. Perhaps this is why I like my life. I don’t settle.
  

  • 10:25 am
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