Telemarketer [TM]: Hi! My name is [FIRST NAME LAST NAME] and I’m calling from [NAME OF ORGANIZATION] because I understand that you made the mistake of attending something of ours recently and giving us your phone number!
Innocent Person Who Answered Their Phone [IPWATP]: I’m not giving you any money.
TM: Let me assure you, this won’t take but a moment of your time we depend on the generosity of people like yourself. We do a lots of things for the community, including bullying people with phone calls!
IPWATP: I’m recovering from cancer.
TM: Really? Sorry to hear that. You’d be surprised at how much a membership to [NAME OF ORGANIZATION] might help to take your mind off your illness and get you on the road to a speedy recovery. I’m going to put you down for $3,000; that’s only $250 a month. I take all sorts of credit cards. Which one will you be using today?
IPWATP: You are soul-less.
TM: (with a laugh in voice) I sure am! Now, if that’s not the right membership for you, I’m sure we can find the right one. Like I said, our organization does a shit load of spectacular stuff and we depend on contributions from people just like you to do it.
IPWATP: Chemo patients?
TM: Thaaaaat’s right! Now, for only $100 a month you can still join at the Blah Level and to show our appreciation, we’ll send you a bunch of shit you don’t really need!
IPWATP: Don’t call me ever again.
TM: Are you sure? I just don’t want you to miss out on all the fantabulous things that our organization has to offer.
IPWATP: I’m dying.
TM: You know, we accept memoriam gifts. What better way to part this world than to leave something of yourself behind. You can’t take it with you!
IPWATP: You are a repulsive person, devoid of all humanity.
TM: I know! Desperation can really do that to a person, can’t it? [Insert light and in no way manic chuckle here.] Now, back to your death money. I can take your donation of $50,000 right now. Why bother you with it later? I don’t want to catch you at a bad time, say when you are in your deathbed.
IPWATP: I’m in it now.
TM: Then we better not waste any time! Now what’s that credit card number?
IPWATP: [Death rattle.]
TM: Hello? Hello? There wouldn’t happen to be any friends or grieving relatives at this bedside, now would there? Hello?
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I can be so reliable, so dedicated. Honestly, I can. And 99% of the time: I am! But I can never go back to this temp job. Never again. I cannot be yelled at for money. I cannot be sworn at, screamed at, and generally hated on.
Telemarketers are not supposed to be praying that the person they are calling won’t pick up. They are not supposed to stutter or feel light headed or be taking deep breaths to avoid crying. They are supposed to have nerves of steel and have the guts (or heartlessness, depending on how you look at it) to have conversations like the one above. I’m not that. And I have no clue what, other than sheer panic, lead me to believe otherwise.
