September 6, 2005
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Pathos has got me once again
© The Author, 2005I’m lonely. Not all the time. But sometimes.
When I’m lonely I want to invite the wholesome looking Peapod Grocery deliveryman in to tell me his life story–we’d drink chilled green tea with honey and sit on the wide windowsill and look down into the yard next door with chickens in it. When I’m lonely, I think about asking the happy middle-eastern liquor store grandpa to drink my Sierra Nevada with me and give me the low down on this neighborhood we’ve just recently moved to. The uniquely beautiful chica who was riding the el after work while carrying a thick, tall slice of cake can come over and watch reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with me when I’m lonely. The grandiose flaming gentleman who got off at Damen with me–why didn’t we talk while walking the same direction for ten minutes or so? Why didn’t I call my old friend Lindsey when I was waiting to transfer at Fullerton and say, “I’m at your stop!”? Why didn’t I call my new pal Kennon and say, “Want to come over and hang out?”
Maybe I like being lonely sometimes. Maybe I know that I’d seem psychotic, or worse, imposing.
Sundays are the loneliest days. When Shaun was in college, we’d visit each other on sporadic weekends and Sunday it was time to part. On those chilling winter afternoons I’d crawl up inside his shirt and I wouldn’t leave. “I have to go,” he’d say. But I would pretend to be deaf and hold him tight and press my face to the skin of his warm and skinny little stomach. When he finally escaped I went home and buried myself under my heavy down blanket and could do nothing but plummet into a sad, leaden sleep. Mondays were better once they started; I always liked seeing friends at school. Wednesdays are sometimes lonely and lost feeling, drifting and uncertain. Fridays are never lonely. Saturday nights can be lonely if you are thinking too hard and driving while listening to nothing but the whoosh of the road.
There is a difference between lonely and feeling pathetic. Turning off the ignition and watching your headlights dim is lonely. Infomercials for exercise machines make you feel pathetic. People watching can be lonely. Submitting your best short film to a film festival and being embarrassed when it is so obviously the worst thing there makes you feel pathetic. Listening to your neighbor host choir practice while you sit in your apartment and daydream of singing along is lonely.
See? Lonely isn’t so bad–occasionally its gratifying in a self indulgent, bittersweet way. Occasionally it’s nice. If you are lucky, your lonely spell might even motivate you to do things you never thought you’d do before. I wonder if that will be the case for me.
Do you ever get lonely out of the blue? What is it like?
Comments (12)
I used to feel lonely a lot, but then I had kids. : )
I like the thoughts you had of interacting with strangers. Are you sure your short film was the worst or are you just being incredibly harsh on yourself? I get lonely all the time. My experience having kids is different than the commenter above me. I may not feel lonely in the “having people around” sense but I do tend to get lonely in an “I need adults” sense. I miss laughing my ass off with good friends while we cooked dinner together and drank too much wine. I long to have deep conversations about the state of the world. But mostly my lonliness can leave as quickly as it arrived and I am content.
I know exactly the feeling you mean. It’s a lonely, disconnected feeling, but it’s almost welcomed. Sometimes it’s more fun to just observe what’s going on and leave the participation to others. Sure, it’s a little lonely, but sometimes that’s just what you need.
Lonely is my natural state. Social is something I feel out of the blue. I know it doesn’t seem that way because of my blogging and whatnot, but an evening at home alone in front of the computer or with a good book is really the norm for my life.
It’s been years since I really felt lonely. I welcome lonely but probably because in my household it would be a welcome novelty. But that’s what happens I suppose when you’re married with children. Not that I’m complaining… ok I’m complaining.
First off I would love to find out what scooing is…one day perhaps… Anyway I finally was able to register on tuesday september 6th. Isn’t that just crazy? I didn’t get the classes I wanted. I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel for mine. I’m taking, Dino’s and more (fun, a rocks for jocks class, or in my case, artists). College Algebra 1 (ew!!!) I had wanted to take a basic math, but I tested out of it and it was filled up anyway so I was stuck with that. Photography, yay! Finally American Sign Language…umm…it’s interesting, but I don’t want to pay top dollar to take a sign language class here. I’m trying to see if anyone drops any of the history or lit or journalism classes but I doubt they will. Bastards.
I actually had forgotten that you weren’t working towards the end of summertime and I the day I went to the journalism department to get cleared (the first time I went) I had swung by to visit, but they told me you didn’t work till school started. I’ll swing by when I can.
I know it must be nerve wracking to have people you don’t know pick apart your work! But I’m sure they’ll like it, you do good work. I had wanted to take a creative non-fiction class, but sadly they were all full and show no signs of emptying.
Yes goggles are quite annoyingly expensive and my mother says that if I lose or break these she will beat me. I still don’t have my cool second pair. They’re a pair of black rimmed calvin kleins. Sadly they had no cute black plastic frames that went well with my face in the bootleg designer section so I had to shell out the extra cash.
Of course I am the scooping and smoothie making queen, I just hate work That and I’m going through my “Prince as the artist formerly….” stage. I did that when I was little and trying to a visual artist. I was “Purple Pistacio” (sad how lame I was and still am) and I changed my name like he did…I even had a symbol I was a nut.
Now that I have gotten all that out let me comment away. I’m always lonely, wether or not I realize I’m lonely, I am. I can tell I’m lonely when I strike up a conversation with someone on the bus. Just because I happen to be reading the same book have the same purse, listen to the same music, I just start talking and I ramble as well. It’s upsetting, because I hate when people do that. I’m always lonely at school I have friends here, but I never see them. I seem to be unlucky and never have them in any of my classes. Maybe it’s because all my friends have very different interests or something. I don’t know, I’m always walking down Michigan or Wabash and I always feel like I’m by myself. I wish I could read and walk at the same time then maybe it wouldn’t feel so lonely.
One last thing…I’m happy that you were able to move. I hope you enjoy your new locale
yes. it’s like a really good painting. it’s much better said with paint, than with words.
You are an excellent writer.
I don’t like lonely at first. Only afterwards do I really appreciate it.
Has your CD arrived yet?
I’m lonely often, but I often prefer to be alone. It’s probably got to do with the way I grew up.
Nice essay.
Are you having trouble posting a new blog at all? I did a blog on 9/11 and it’s not showing up in the public pages!
Tell me what you see.
Lynn