August 22, 2005
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WARNING: Offensive language ahead.
I’m Not Your Buddy
The Author, 2005Call “those people” what you will: mentally challenged (who isn’t?), handicapped (says who?), retarded (not nice), but please, please don’t call them buddy.
There is an insipid new advertisement gracing the Chicago’s subway cars that has been grating on my nerves for some time now. This ad features a young woman in a ludicrous floppy velvet hat and a drag queen’s feather boa smiling manically. With no regard to personal space whatsoever, this woman’s meaty arms are thrown clumsily around the neck of a mildly freaked out, cautiously smiling woman in her mid-thirties who appears to be affected by downs syndrome. Bold, red lettering above this couple’s heads righteously informs commuters that, “The Next Person You Meet Could be Your Best Buddy!”
There is a particular breed of volunteerism that is so shallow and ultimately unhelpful that it makes me want to punch a girl scout. This type of volunteerism is typically done by the kind of people who would call their efforts “charity.” It is work that is rooted in the belief that the caregiver is in some way superior to the recipient, and churches and other smug people frequently undertake it. Chicago’s “Best Buddy” program is undoubtedly rooted in this variety of shitty good deeds.
Now, before you get your underwear all in a bundle about this proposed information, consider this: would you ever–in a moment of sobriety–call a new acquaintance your “buddy?” Of course not! You’d simply say that is was a pleasure meeting them and that you’d like to meet again, and if things go well, you may soon be able to call this person your friend. Buddy is a lame, weird, term that is gummy with condescension. Buddy is a word reserved for small children and dogs; neither of which should equate to adults with mental issues.
Aside from the atrocious use of the word buddy, the ad faults in its costuming and pose of the non-retarded woman; her outfit and pose is so unflattering that at first glance one might wonder if the best buddy program is a charity organization in which retarded people assist non-retarded, fashion impaired people with their wardrobe and social skills. Once you understand that the crazy boa-clad woman is supposed to be mentoring the woman with downs syndrome, you can’t help but shake your head in pity. “Oh man,” you think of saying to the downs syndrome woman, “a lot of help that nut-job is going to do you.” It is bad enough that the best buddy program assumes that people with mental challenges also have problems making friends, but it is even worse to pawn off the social rejects of the world on to them to play with. The assumption of non-retarded people that individuals who are mentally challenged somehow have an inherently unsatisfying life–so unsatisfying in fact, that supplying them with wacko’s dressed in a crack whore’s clothing will somehow improve their situation–is really bothersome.
If the Best Buddies program were being honest about its motivations in its ads, the banner would feature the boa-wearing woman looking awkward excluded in a social situation filled with people who are dressed in a manner that reflects their sane-ness. Instead of reading, “The Next Person You Meet Could Be Your Best Buddy,” the bold red lettering would read, “The Next Person Who Rejects You, You Can Be Better Than!”
Before you think that I am being too much of a bitch about this whole idea of “buddies,” consider the lasting and self-perpetuating damage that people like the boa-wearer creates. When we call people, “buddy,” we never take the time to learn their names. We never look at them at individuals.
While I may seem insensitive in my word choice when I write “retarded,” I simply cannot agree with the words mentally challenged, or handicapped. Mental challenges are relative and we all are, or should be challenged mentally to different degrees. Handicapped is a stupid word that people who function “normally” (whatever that means) invented that consequently creates limitations for “impaired” people. It is a word the serves to separate “us” from “them.” Humans are really disgusting in our love of clean, distinct separateness; we love it so much that we create it when it doesn’t even really exist. Sure, you’d love to think you are so different that a mentally challenged person–and in plenty of ways you are, just as we are all individually unique–but across the board, people share more commonalities than differences. I use the word retarded because it is brash, it is not politically correct. The raw use of the word retarded is (I hope) forcing you to reconcile with what all the terms mean, and ultimately how meaningless they all are.
So what do we call “these people?” I’m not entirely sure, but it seems like a starting point would be to take the time to learn individuals’ names, and recognize the differences and variations that mental capacities can have. It is a dangerous thing to define people by their demographics.
It is time for society to change—and I’m not talking about the cosmetics of political correctness. Organizations like Best Buddies are right in offering support systems to retarded people, as everyone needs one type of support or another, but the Best Buddies ads, and other like them, are better off showcasing the services provided than presenting degrading assumptions of those they assist.
Until all members of society can look each other in the eye with absolute respect, it is we “normal” people who have the biggest mental challenges ahead of us; we have the challenge of being honest with ourselves and confronting our gross bigotry. I suggest that we all take this process one step at a time, starting with ditching the word buddy. It’s just way too retarded.
Comments (14)
This is something that has always bothered me too. There was a man who lived in my apartment complex who apparently was born a crackbaby (with all sorts of other diseases), and he is unable to function on his own (the fact that he made it to middle age is pretty amazing). There is a rotating group of about five people or so who are paid to spend time with him, and they also receive Blue Cross/Blue Shield health coverage for their time. I’m not entirely sure why this ever bothered me, but it did. I guess there’s something about situations such as this that always reminds me of the Freudian concept that everything one does is done completely out of selfishness. In some disturbing way, I feel as though the people taking care of those less fortunate in our society are doing so because it somehow benefits them – just as it benefits the boa-stricken lady on the billboard. Interesting post.
Did you know that the word “handicapped” was derived from the phrase “cap in hand” eg requesting charity which implies that the “handicapped” are a lesser group.
Big applause to you for sifting through the bullshit and not being afraid to say it. I work in a school for kids with profound and multiple learning difficulties, and if just 50% of the people I work with (myself included) were as honest as you, the kids would be a lot better off!
And don’t even get me started on the “Bless em” brigade. “I think it’s wonderful, what you do…” “what, shopping? yes, I think it’s particularly wonderful too. If only I could shop all day”. Cue pitying look at the pupil I’m with as they shuffle off. Course, that usually ends in pain, cos I like to encourage my kids to ram the fuckers in the ankles
Wasn’t “Buddy” the name of Scott Thompson’s gay alter-ego on Kids In The Hall?
I thought about you last week in a totally weird spot–while inside a Bass Pro Shops store. Now, I’m normally not a big Bass Pro Shops fan. No, really I’m not! The ATM inside the store happens to be from my bank and it accepts deposits. Much easier than going to the main branch across town. Plus my son gets a kick out of the aquariums, the turtle exhibit, and the various species of taxidermied animals that they have on display. Anyway…I was leaving the store and almost tripped on a cardboard display of MOON PIES. They had FOUR different flavors of MOON PIE on this display! They had vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and banana. I didn’t even know they made vanilla and strawberry. I was going to buy some, but I was afraid that my son and I would gorge ourselves silly on them during the bus ride home.
This is so well said. I think a copy of this entry should be sent to programs all over this country. As a parent of a special needs child, I thank you with my whole heart.
“It is a dangerous thing to define people by their demographics.” This has been on my mind frequently lately, the lump categorization of people as all being one thing or another, and how utterly stupid it is. Thanks for an extremely thought-provoking post.
general ignorance is pretty usual to people without disabilities, or without people with cognitive diversity in their famiies. one time this long time family friend asked me “your brother, now he’s retarded right?”
“yes”
“how did he catch that?”
“from a little black kid at school” (said with 1000% sarcasm)
“ohhh…”
while i felt somewhat bad for making this poor woman think that trisomy 21 was contagious and passed through the young african american children in the community to my brother, part of me felt justified for putting up with people like that who instead of referencing their questions to an encyclopedia or google use me as a first hand reference.
another woman, bless her heart, thought that god gave her a down syndrome daughter because of her attitude towards like children when she was in high school. sometimes when confronted with someone like that you want to say “yes. god did do that to you because you were an *sshole to those kids who didn’t know better to say something as mean to you as you were saying to them” then you realize she is trembling upon her confession and you just give her a comforting hug and assure her there is no god, it was just happenchance.
anyhow, this isn’t my blog and i feel like i’m going off on a rant of my own.. great post. bad advertising p*sses me off too. especially when it is a senstive personal subject. and there ain’t nothing worse than someone dressing a kid who already has problems in life like a crack whore in a red boa or pairing them with one who wears those shoes either.
my ad design would have had the word buddy lined out and in quotes “what’s your name?” with a plain laid back person at their side.
I’ve seen that stupid poster on the el, but I had no idea what it meant. Honestly. The intent of the ad is so hidden by the weird imagery, that I just turned away from it and went back to my book. I like your idea for a revised poster much better.
I agree with all you say, and I have to also agree with all the PC nonsense about not calling retarded people retarded, and all the rest. I know that some people call them “special” or “differently gifted” and that just makes me want to barf. It’s a put-down to people who really are special or who are born with exquisite gifts. You now what, I’m short. Not “vertically challenged,” but short. And it’s okay with me if you call me that. What’s with people that they can’t accept reality?
RYC: It’s the journalism training. Being fast is highly valued in that field. I wrote on deadline all the time. Since I was a reviewer and often had 45 minutes from starting my review until deadline, I am used to writing quickly. Having an outline of sorts in your head is absolutely essential, because there are no drafts. You write it the first time and that’s the only time. So, it’s a skill of sorts and you learn it on the job. I also think there are some people who just can’t do this no matter how hard they try, because their brains just don’t function that way. It doesn’t make them worse writers.
Lynn
I had an English teacher who (jokingly) described herself as “vertically challenged.” It was funny; one kid was trying to show off and called her “horizontally challenged.” She immediately took offense and said, “I’m not fat!” The kid was surprised and said he meant that she was really skinny…if vertically challenged was lack of height, then horizontally challenged would be lack of width. It’s interesting that describing anything as ‘challenged’ automatically assumes the negative half of the binary.
You make some good points in here, but I’m not sure I agree with all it. For one, I guess I’ve just never been offended by the word ‘buddy.’ It has several meanings for me and I guess it’s a matter of how you use it. I use it with friends, usually my guy ones, in lieu of their names: “Hey, buddy, what’s going on? Wanna go grab a bite to eat?” Or it can be a mean word, too, used instead of a meaner word: “Look, buddy, you better watch what you’re saying.” It is also how I address dogs, and sometimes little kids who are too shy to actually tell you their name. My mom’s ex-boyfriend used the word to refer to any and all of his friends: “I have this buddy who lives in Waterbury who loves anchovies.” I think it’s a word that can be used degradingly, and sometimes is, but it can also be a rather benign term of endearment.
Second, as the sister of a brother with a severe case of cerebral palsy, I know that that the mentally retarded often do need a lot of freaking help. My brother can’t even roll over by himself, and so someone has to be around even in the middle of the night so he doesn’t develop bedsores when he’s sleeping. He eats liquid food through a tube that goes straight into his stomach; he’s blind and he can’t talk; and if he’s aware of his surroundings and what’s going on or where he is, he’s never had a way of expressing that to anyone. We know something’s wrong when he cries, and we know he’s okay when he smiles, and that’s the best we can do to understand how he’s experiencing things.
While someone who volunteers or works with him would likely refer to him as “Sean” and not “buddy,” I don’t think that people who are helping other people with these types of health problems (whatever term you use) are self-serving or looking for someone who they are better than to hang out with. It is hard freaking work to change the diaper of a 25-year-old or feed someone who can’t ingest anything through his mouth or he’ll get pneumonia. But Sean could never really be anyone’s buddy — he isn’t capable of saying ‘thank you’ to anyone, boa or not — it’s just not that kind of fun, buddy-creating experience. The obnoxious thing about the ad is not the word ‘buddy,’ but the implication that this kind of volunteer work is somehow glamourous or fun. It isn’t. It’s hard and tiring and you might end up covered in vomit and in the end you won’t have a buddy, just someone who you’ve helped and who doesn’t understand that you have.
Also, whatever the term people use to label this demographic, a term is in fact necessary. As humans, we have this silly need to group and categorize everything before we can understand things, and while it is a bizarre way to understand our reality, this system does have its advantages: how do we pass the Americans with Disabilities Act if we don’t have a concept of who these laws are trying to benefit? Many children with disabilities live in homes where the necessary medical attention (and often there’s a lot of that needed) is hard or impossible to come by — where do we get the funding to help these kids if we don’t have a word to use to identify them as people who might need it? Obviously, disabilities range in severity, and not all handicapped people have as many disabilities as my brother does, and so the term “handicapped” or “disabled” or “retarded” to describe him does little to explain the condition of someone with mild autism. It may be silly to set someone apart by labeling him or her as different, but then again, we cannot confront and eradicate racism by simply erasing our categorization of race.
These responses are great and I am so appreciative of the real dialogue and the sharing of your personal experiences. There is something that I have seen in the responses that may speak to my lack of clarity when writing: I am opposed to labels because they are not productive.
One responder writes, “how do we pass the Americans with Disabilities Act if we don’t have a concept of who these laws are trying to benefit?” I wonder if we really do have any concept of whom these laws are trying to befit. Sure, the Americans with disabilities act made buildings accessible to people in wheel chairs, but I was listening to an npr report a few weeks ago that cited that jobs for people in wheel chairs are still just as difficult to attain as they ever were. Could this be due to the fact that American employers, just like the rest of society, has no idea what “disabled” means? The term disabled lumps people in wheel chairs in with people who have cerebral palsy, in with paraplegics, in with autistic people, in with blind people, ect—there is no distinction and the needs of these people are distinctly different. Just like non-“disabled” people, these individuals vary wildly in their ability to be friends, or “buddies” with others.
Another responder proposed that they agreed with something that I would like to clearify that I did not intend to convey. I belive that many mentally different individuals, depending on their individual condition, do indeed have skills and specialties that in no way make me feel compromised in any “exquisite gifts” I may or may not have. It is the labels like “disabled” and “retarded” that lump people in a vegetative state in with people who may have simply have trouble communicating that might make others question the abilities of someone who may appear a bit different from them.
For the record, I think that medical professionals are awesome people. I think that volunteers and organizations that posture at aid before they completely understand the breadth of a situation are ludicrous.
I would love to post a thought provoking and interesting response here, but my mind and body are sooo very tired. I just wanted to say that it was a very interesting post and that at my high school they had a best buddies program. There was a very small group of “mentally handicapped” (I can’t write retarded) kids and they were very isolated. I remember one guy and one girl that stood out. I knew louis who was a really talented artist and was really cool, but sometimes asshole guys would make him do stupid crap. I also knew a girl who’s name I don’t remember, I never had her in any classes, but I would see her in the library a lot, (I would ditch physics– a lot) and she loved to learn about everything that had to do with the titanic. It’s weird, the best buddies program was suppose to help those kids mingle with other “normal” (define normal, my friends and I definately not normal) kids. In a way it was good, for the others that were really introvert and had a hard time getting to know others in their regular classes, but in another way it really didn’t matter, because louis and that girl seemed to be doing okay friend wise. I mean the girl had a date for the prom, I couldn’t scare one up. My date was my friend edi. she bought me a corsage and everything. He he he. well anywho, this is long enough.
~Jenny
p.s. I’m soo tired I’ve been working at navy pier since saturday, I hate it. If you and your husband are ever up to doing the tourist thing and coming down, I could hook you up with some ice cream. wink wink. ha ha ha. tootles
Good point. The ADA is obviously not as helpful as it could be (why insist that a wheelchair ramp be put into a building at the end of a gravel road? The building might be accessible but good luck flying over the unpaved road) and probably does not do enough to address the wild range of difficulties someone may face. But maybe, if anything, the ‘buddy program’ is a good way for the American public to understand that “disabled” means a whole lot of things, and that ‘handicapped’ shouldn’t be synonomous with ‘weird’ — but you’re right, to convey that concept they’d need a better ad campaign.
Anyway, I realized that in my comment I never conveyed what I liked about the post, and I want to make sure that you know that I did, in fact, like it. I loved the bit about the “shitty good deeds” — for sure, there are people out there who just don’t really get it. They approach volunteer work as something they should do because they need to help out the people who aren’t as good as they are, or haven’t tried as hard as they have, or could be where they are but somehow fucked up or got addicted to drugs or didn’t finish school or whatever and all they need is the influence of said volunteer to pick themselves up by their bootstraps. VO-MIT. Someone who volunteers with that attitude has no understanding of the socioeconomic forces that control and determine society and has a misguided egoistic view of his or her own position in life. So yeah — I really liked that bit. Also, I loved the word play with the “it’s too retarded” thing at the end — a clever way to simultaneously call the term into question while applying it in its more colloquial usage to deliver a succinct and funny punch at the end.
Okay, I just realized that I’m leaving for the airport in an hour, so I must pack and shower and such. I’m digging the dialogue — you are one of my favorite people to engage in this sort of thing.
Cheers,
Laura
Very interesting and passionate post. Sorry to be so late to the party. This preparing a syllabus thing is incredibly time-consuming.
If you do read The Speed of Dark, which again is the Oswego Reading Initiative selection for campus-wide perusal, you’ll see a lot of parallel arguments. Pretty much, if a person is an autistic savant, and science can remove the autistic, will it also remove the savant? Shouldn’t we value people for their differences and not pander to them? Aren’t we all incapable in some ways? (Lord knows I’m incapable at soo many things.)
I would be curious as to whether other Chicagolandians have taken offense at the ad as well. Thanks as always for the thought-generating entry.
It’s time… for a new post. Where are you? Missing your Xanga contributions over here!