August 12, 2005
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Rational Fear in a (Pity) Party Dress
The Author, 2005Usually my Fridays are purposeful; I work at my tutoring gig at a local
college. But that college is on break between summer semester and fall,
leaving me with an entire Friday to enjoy in solitude while the rest of
the world is at work.
The trouble is, I’m not so good at having days off. I do silly things
like think about what I am doing with my life, which oftentimes leads
me to think about my biggest fear: the possibility that I may be subconsciously
resigning myself to a life of mediocrity.And you thought my greatest fear was cockroaches.
Fearing cockroaches is irrational–sure they are hideous scuttling
monsters that play mind games with me by standing on their hind legs
intimidatingly, nearly convincing me that they are ten feet taller than
me–but the fact of the matter is that I am bigger than the most
behemoth roach, and my shoe is his crunchy death.On the other hand, fearing a subconscious inclination towards
mediocrity is completely rational. The institutions that seek to
control society (our governments, our jobs, our churches, ect) depend
upon this quiet and unsettling resignation. Without it, the “masses”
(as we are so lovingly termed) may prove to be more capable than those
who have the power. Upon the epiphany that we are as fabulous and
genius as we actually are, we wouldn’t hesitate to eject these freak
shows from their thrones and shape a world full of purity and grace.But we doubt. And on many quiet, hidden levels of our minds we believe
what our world subliminally tells us: we are expendable, replaceable,
and we should be grateful to receive whatever scraps the people in
power choose to throw our way.In a fit of prickly disgust with myself, I am festering in an Internet
cafe today, researching various ways I can change the world. I’m
looking into various other not-for-profit arts centers that provide
means for creative expression free of charge to underserved youth.Yesterday, I did an informational interview with a professional in this
field, and she had some good suggestions for me. I learned so much from
the experience, and today I’ve scheduled a few more of these types of
interviews with other organizations in Chicago.Taking this proactive approach to dismantling any feelings of
mediocrity is temporarily soothing, but the prickly panic of fear
eventually creeps back up on me. While conducting research online to
prepare for these informational interviews, a spongy, sickly feeling
creeps in between my breasts. Am I good enough to call myself a
teaching writer/artist? It’s weird–I am really confident with my
ability to bring out the best in other’s writing, but I have such
serious doubts about my own. Can I be a person who facilitates
education with that dynamic happening? And as for video
production–there are a million and one people who are far better than
me. My ideas are always cool, but the finished product lacks polish.
This is a recurring theme with me. I prefer a rougher look, a look
where the guts of a project are visible (its a running aesthetic in my
work that is an extension of the fact that I am a person who wears her
heart on her sleeve), but I haven’t quite mastered ways to make that
look less like an amateur and more like a directorial choice. It just
gets disheartening, you know?I know I’ve got to do a better job of believing that my creative
endeavors are decent, but it is just really hard to do. I know I need
to do it, though because my doubts in my acting and directing abilities
caused me to really distance myself from theater these past three
years, and I really miss it now. And just because my singing voice
isn’t as stellar as other divas, I quit singing, even though choir was
my lifeblood in high school and I miss it. If I keep feeling shitty
about my work, then I might abandon it in the same way as I did the
performing arts, and that would seriously suck. The joy of the artistic
process out weighs however depressed or self-conscious I oftentimes
feel about the product.Anyhow, I bring this all this emotional turmoil up not to throw a pity
party, but to invoke an honest dialogue about the things that we fear.
These hideous feelings need to be cut loose; there are freak shows on
thrones to overthrow and a crazy, beautiful world to revive.With this in mind, I ask you: What rational fear do you carry? How do you deal with it? What would happen if you conquered it?
Comments (13)
Wow, this is a veyr thought provoking post!
We’re told to excel as kids only to graduate into a society that, to borrow the excellent Say Anything … phrase, learns to champion mediocrity, as excellence is a threat to the status quo. I mean, if all Americans figured out that Iraq was a deceptive endeavor and that Rove is indeed a deceptive scumbag, things would be difficult for our overlords.
I’ve gone through many periods of inadequacy in my life, particularly in my early 20s, and even once wrote a (depressing) song called “Everyone’s Favorite Disappointment” (or some such thing) extolling the depth of mediocrity this former award-winning, can’t-miss kid had sunk. I’m glad to be beyond that phase, but I think it haunts any thoughtful person.
Now my main societal fear (rational or not) is that other people won’t like me, despite my best efforts. It sounds vain, but it’s more a factor of a self-esteem that has taken a pounding. That I sometimes wonder whether I will ever have a fulfilling relationship or will just die alone is probably the most recurring mental roadblock. Nothing banishes it.
Timshead: You are able to articulte what I mean when I say medeocrity freaks me out better than I am able to in this lame emotional state–thanks! As for your fear, I wonder: who would not love the head of Tim? It baffles me. But I think most of us fear this at one time or another. Being disliked really stings–its amazing to me that anyone ever gets over it.
i really don’t think people know what they fear unless they’ve already faced it.
similar to the gentlemen of catch 22… not knowing if they were in love, til they were out of love.
I don’t fear that I’m expendable at my current job, I simply have no doubt that it’s so, since the management has pretty blantantly told my entire team that we could be easily replaced by anybody walking down the street. It’s not surprising, since my job doesn’t require an education or a high IQ or any creativity whatsoever generally.
I have a rational fear of taking a leap into the unknown to do what I really want to do with my life. I currently really want to go back to school and get a second bachelor’s degree in art (my first was in English) and have now found a university that would allow me to do that which is near my house. I’m scared to death of talking to my parents about it though. I’m afraid that they’ll tell me that it’s a ridiculous dream to think I could be an artist when I’ve only ever taken two art classes, and that I can’t afford to go back to school, and that it’s all around a foolish idea. I’m going to see if I can get up enough courage to ask them about it in the next week or two (it might be wiser to wait until after my brother gets married next week and their stress levels go down).
I think everyone can resonate with this essay. I have a horrid, horrid fear of mediocrity. One side of my family doesn’t care a fig about not excelling–and no one graduated from college on that side until I came along. The other side is highly intellectual but spacey and I’m afraid I got my genes from that side. So it sets up a strange dichotomy: I want to excel and live up to my abilities, but I also am terrified that I will just get sidetracked, space out and never make anything of myself. Does this make any sense? I’m terrified of just being mediocre and quitting my newspaper job for this insane idea of writing books is starting to make me feel like a failure. I’m at a vulnerable point right now.
And like Tim’s Head, I have a ridiculous, asphixiating fear that I won’t be liked. I really admire people who can just go tell someone off without a care about what someone thinks of them. I’m paralyzed in that respect. Anger just stifles me and I end up settling for what I don’t want just to keep everyone else happy.
Gosh, this is almost like a therapy session! Thanks for the topic.
RYC: Thanks a million, million times for taking the time to read my story and for your amazingly perceptive comments. Yes, the part with the boyfriend was important, because it cuts out the protagonist’s only real way out of her career nightmare, but most people gloss over that part of the story. I’ve had parents of anorexics really realate to the food issues, too. So, once again your comments were dead on. So glad you could read it and share.
Lynn
“Fearing cockroaches is irrational–sure they are hideous scuttling monsters that play mind games with me by standing on their hind legs intimidatingly, nearly convincing me that they are ten feet taller than me–but the fact of the matter is that I am bigger than the most behemoth roach, and my shoe is his crunchy death.”
Love that hahaha.
Thank you for the comment, it was very much appreciated. Editing is rough….
Rational fear: I can’t stand to think that I won’t make myself into something that is proof of being a success in society. That ppressure lingers in my brain at times. I am dealing with it, I am planning on going to school in january, trying to start off somewhere I suppose. Part of the reason I feel I won’t be a success is some adults in the family seem to doubt me, from that I get the “fuel” to want to make something of myself. I think I just shouldn’t doubt myself. No one should doubt themselves….if you know you are good at it…put it out there but don’t brag about it…this is like a therapy session haha.
When I conquer my fear I will apply that and show other people who are doubted by peers to show the doubters they were incorrect.
I feel a lot better now that I wrote this.
thank you very much and I hope your day is great!!
-stacey
You should look into Batey Urbano. When I was living in Chicago, one of the classes I was taking took a trip to Batey Urbano to see what they were up to. It was an organization in Logan Square (if memory serves) that acted as both a gathering place and an creative space for youth, particularly the Puerto Rican teenagers in the area. Lots of cool stuff: music, literary magazine, film… great place.
Anywho… rational fear… I have this fear that I will never make it as a writer, because I am not nearly as creative or outgoing as I think I should be to be a journalist. I’m afraid to submit freelance work because I don’t want to face the rejection, and I’m even more terrified to apply for, say, a staff writer position. And the fact that I question my ability, I fear, will lead me to settle for something less—i.e., a job that I don’t want. If I’m doing PR in ten years, I might die. So, basically, if I don’t get over this fear, I may end up doing heinous things for the rest of my life.
If I read your post correctly, it sounds like we’re in a similar position.
Stealing the hearts of the american people is something I do best.
So my fear is growing up and finding out that I’m not really good at anything. I dabble in a lot of things and I’m good at them, but I’m not great. I fear that I will be thirty and not have a job that I love. I’m scared that I won’t be a good actress or a good journalist/writer or whatever and I’ll end up doing nothing with my life. So that’s that.
There’s another great quote from another great John Cusack movie, High Fidelity. “I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and… I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that’s suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.” That’s my rational fear. Someday I’m going to have to make a choice that will exclude possible futures. But if I don’t ever make that choice, I’ll never have a future. I’m also afraid that once I decide on something significant, I won’t totally commit to it. Then whatever it is I chose will loose its significance. I guess our fears our similiar; I don’t want my life to be insignificant. How do I deal with it? At this point in my life, I’m still committing to nothing. It’s easy to live day to day like that until I read an amazing book and know I could do that if I really wanted to. Or hear an amazing song and know I feel that deeply even though I never effectively express it. I don’t know if I could ever get over this fear. I think a little bit of fear is healthy. If I’m content with my life, then what’s the point? Shouldn’t we always want to do better?
Great post. Usually I only skim the other responses but your entry was so provacative that each response was as intriguing as your essay. Once again, thanks for posting something of thoughtful substance.
I had read this post when you first wrote it and didn’t comment and then after reading your comment to me I came back and reread this post. The feeling I was left with both times was one of surprise. I am not a writer but I am a reader and I can say without any doubt that I think you are a fantastic writer. Your stories never fail to engage me and interest me throughout which does not happen everyday. If you were to write a novel I would read it.
I have also chosen a path of the arts and becoming a hausfrau has prevented me from persuing a career in the field yet I continue to evolve as a painter. The arts are a difficult place to attempt to earn a living and unless you are a person with self-confidence of steel you will always have that sinking fear of rejection.
I have questioned where my life is going many times and have found that if I stop looking too far beyond today and focus on now I do actually make a difference in many ways. I believe you do the same. Even your intentions to change the world in some way are more than the average person does in a lifetime.
I fear I wont live up to others expectations, let alone my own.
I fear that my own expectations are unachievable.
I realize I’m a bit late to jump on the bandwagon but I felt compelled to comment. You have all wonderfully articulated feelings that so many of us struggle to cope with. I identified especially well with the post regarding High Fidelity. Many futures lay in wait for me and I find myself paralyzed with uncertainty, afraid that I will make the wrong choice.
But then again, can we really distinguish between a ‘right choice’ and a ‘wrong choice?’ I would like to believe that, at least to some degree, any choice can be the right one as long as we do everything in our power to make the best of the situation.
Anyhow, thanks for the great discussion. I spend a lot of time perusing entries in my efforts to make it to 5:30 as quickly as possible. I can honestly say that this is the longest I’ve been distracted by any one post. Good luck to all of you in your specific endeavors.