June 30, 2005
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AOL Polls Make Xanga Author Queasy
The Author, 20052.4 million U.S. citizens are in dire need of a lobotomy. According to the Tuesday, June 28th issue of bbcnews online, 2.4 million doltish Americans bolted online last week to take an AOL survey of the Top Ten Greatest American’s. The results are appalling.
Apparently, our country’s best figure of all time is Ronald Reagan. How embarrassing! But it gets worse. Take a look for yourself:
AOL Poll: Top 10 greatest Americans
1 Ronald Reagan
2 Abraham Lincoln
3 Martin Luther King
4 George Washington
5 Benjamin Franklin
6 George W Bush
7 Bill Clinton
8 Elvis Presley
9 Oprah Winfrey
10 Franklin D RooseveltHow does Reagan trump Lincoln and MLK? Why is Elvis on the list? What on earth gives Oprah top billing? I’m sad that Americans really are that ignorant. As much as this country upsets me, we do indeed have our fair share of cool people. So that they don’t feel ignored by this awful slight that AOL has perpetrated, let’s take a moment to give them a few props, shall we? In no particular order, here we go:
The Top Ten Coolest Americans in History
César Chávez
This man forewent economic security in order to pursue equal rights for his Latino counterparts. An integral member of Community Service Organization, a Latino civil rights group, Chavez founded the United Farm Workers of America to fight for the rights of America’s migrant workers.Harriet Tubman
Brave, heroic, and fearless, Harriet Tubman not only had the moxy to free herself from slavery, she assisted over 300 slaves to freedom as well.Frederick Douglass
Even once he attained freedom by escaping from slavery, Douglass never lost his verve for freedom. Douglass risked his life daily, serving his fellow man as an abolitionist, editor, writer, orator, and public servant.John Brown
John Brown kicks ass. In 1859, Brown led a raid of the federal arsenal in Virginia in order to steal the weapons that he planned to arm slaves with and start a revolution. While this attempt failed, Brown’s actions divided the nation and got people talking about aboloshing slavery, if only to save their white asses. Even though Brown was hung for his actions, he died knowing that he was a good man. Which wasn’t something most white men could say in 1859.Mark Twain
Twain’s critiques of American society were done with such great style. If it weren’t for Twain’s concerned, funny, genuine, and impossibly human flair, I wonder if mainstream America would have ever been receptive to the very difficult things they needed to hear.Martin Luther King Junior
Need I say more?Margaret Sanger
I know, I know, you might be wondering, “what is that racist bitch doing on your list?” Even though Sanger founded Planned Parenthood for heart breakingly racist reasons (birth control was supposed to aid in maintaining some alleged “racial purity”), American women owe whatever shred of reproductive rights they have left to her. Conscientious American women can also be thankful that she died long before our time and we never had to boycott the pill because a racist bitch was profiting from it. I just wish that someone else stuck her neck out for a woman’s right to choose—someone who wasn’t a heinous freak interested in eugenics. Oh…the seedy underbelly of history sickens me so.Sojourner Truth
Oh yes, Sojourner—you are a woman. One of the very best.Tatanka Iyotaka (Chief Sitting Bull)
This Sioux chief lead his troops to conquer Custer. Iyotaka refused to relinquish his tribe’s land and relocate. Sadly, he was murdered by his own people after hideous white settlers bribed and threatened the weakest of his tribe to do so.Dr. Huey P. Newton
Along with his friend Booby Seale, Dr. Newton was one of the founders of the Black Panther Movement. Forget about all the propaganda that you learned in your high school history classes about the Black Panthers and try a little research of your own. I’m sure you’ll find that Newton’s efforts are an example of how fiercely we should all love our communities. It sucks that there was a need for the Black Panthers, but our government is so racist and class-ist that I give props to anyone who is innovative enough to figure out a new solution.The Top Ten Coolest Americans With a Pulse
Dennis Banks
This Native American activist and leader established the American Indian movement to protect the traditional ways of Indian people and to engage in legal cases protecting treaty rights of Natives. Banks was the principal negotiator when he led a group of Native Americans to complete a 71-day seizure of Wounded Knee in protest of a corrupt U.S. appointed leader to the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. The U.S. government, crap-assed as it is, couldn’t handle the fact that Banks wanted to educate the public about the plight he felt his native nation was going through, so they appointed a puppet to run things at Pine Ridge. The U.S.’s decision to appoint a dummy to Pine Ridge probably wasn’t hurt by the fact that Banks lead his team to seize and occupy the Bureau of Indian Affairs Office a few months prior, but if the bureaucrats at this government office didn’t refuse meetings with the people of the American Indian Movement, then perhaps they wouldn’t have had a problem in the first place. Banks is a crusader and lucky for us, he’s still alive and kickin’.San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom
If Gavin Newsom ever runs for president, I will quit my job and work to get him in office. With his controversial crusade for gay rights, Newsom has proven to be a man who devotes more time to helping his constituents than to playing the reelection game. He is the only reasonable American voice in politics.Margaret Cho
Margaret Cho is not only hilarious, but she is a social critic, a feminist, and a model of how truly beautiful imperfection is. When you go to one of her shows, it feels like a pep rally, firing you up and fueling you for the next proverbial battle with our greedy, bigoted country.John Stewart
Everything I said about the Cho, but you get to witness it nightly. Joy!Dave Capelle
Dave Chappelle is a modern Mark Twain.Howard Zinn
This man is brave enough to tell you all about America’s fat, ugly underbelly. And boy, does he do it well.Studs Turkel
Same as Zinn, except he’s doubly cool for collecting the stories from actual people history happened to.Laurie Henzel & Debbie Stoller, publishers of BUST Magaznie
This magazine is what every women’s magazine wishes it could be. It’s political, fun, creative, and it generally kicks ass. I’m so thankful that these publishers exist, because it makes me feel like I’m not the only woman alive who thinks our society is heinous and hilarious all at once. Check it out! Subscribe!Joan Blades and Wes Boyd, founders of Moveon.org
These people changed the face of activism in America. While I’m not entirely sure it’s a good change, as the Internet is a quieter force than marches and demonstrations, at least it gets more people involved and is a great place to educate yourself about activism in the U.S.Ira Glass
This American Life is my all-time favorite radio show. Ira Glass may not bring you the news, but the way he is able to uncover how contemporary life is affecting Americans gives us all a context to put the news in. This show is amazing, and I aspire to be just as cool as Ira.Alright ladies and gents, I’m sure I missed many (I’m no History buff), so please leave your additions in the comment box. Piss on AOL. Xanga Polls are much cooler.
Who is your favorite American?
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edit: Timshead did well to remind me to rant about Bush listed as #6. I think I just ranted about him so much in person that I didn’t realise I neglected to actually write about it! So here you go: BUSH AT 6?!?!?!?WTF!?!?!?!?!
Comments (8)
George W Bush at sixth offends me more than Reagan at number one. Bush has pretty much spent the last five years failing repeatedly. Grrr.I grew up less than a 10K run from Harriet Tubman’s home in Auburn, NY. I’m never sure how well known she is around the country or whether it was just a local thing. Glad you know her.With all due respect, I’ve read enough on Brown to learn that he was a scary individual. His intentions were good, but his means were often ruthless. The person believed to finance John Brown’s raid was one Gerrit Smith, whose philanthropy constucted the Oswego Public Library (about which I’ve had a book published, so the subject interests me). I’ve heard Ira Glass stole the idea for TAL and never credited its creator.To the great Americans list I would add: Charles Kuralt. His tales from the road, elevating and ennobling the plight of the common man, is as decent a contribution to society as anyone has made. I like to say he’s the one who made me want to go into journalism. His pieces were like Spoon River Anthology brought to life in lyrical majesty.One more: Jackie Robinson. Here’s a man who willingly tolerated aggression, derision and threats in breaking baseball’s color line and becoming one of the best players of his generation. In many ways, he served as a harbinger for the civil rights movement, and if he had once lashed out at his assailers, imagine the setback to our society.Thanks, as ever, for the well-written, thought-provoking entry.
What the hell, Oprah and Elvis? What did they ever do? Oprah gives stuff away on TV and talks a lot, and um, I barely remember Elvis. Begging your collective pardons, but who writes that stuff? Was it a write in poll or did someone put them on the list?
What about Jimmy Carter? At least he wrote a good book. Can I get BUST on news stands? That looks terriffic. It actually cheered me up.
Ronald Reagan, the man who decided ketchup was a vegetable, and shall thusly be known and go down in history as such!
Bust magazine looks interesting. And I have the same question as orientalrats…was this a write in vote or was the poll tainted by forcing you to pick people off of a list? It’s more than a little sad to think that people view three out of our last four presidents are on par with George Washington. I just don’t see them up on Mt. Rushmore. For the love. Contemporary US politicians are all a little too fluffy for me. I can’t really see them as influencial unless they defy politics and cause real change. But then that’s just what I think of when I think of “great.”
In the Discovery Channel’s top 100, Tom Cruise is listed. Shudder. The BBC’s ten greatest Americans has HOMER SIMPSON at number one. He got almost half of the votes. This was a global poll, so it’s a sad commentary on what the world thinks of the US, but I like him better that Ronald Reagan!! At least Homer is upfront about being a fictional character. Tearing down the wall didn’t defeat communism. Communism defeated itself.
And where are all the writers?! ELVIS?! But no Twain? Emerson? Thoreau? Dickinson? Hemingway? Steinback? Okay, I realize you’re really limiting yourself when you say top ten, but Elvis and Oprah?. And the vagueness of “great” is probably a problem, but…Elvis and Oprah?
Lol Elvis, Oprah, Reagan, I’m actually shocked that homer simpson wasn’t on the ballot or the list. He kind of represents most americans. He’s fat, lazy, rude, dumb and annoying. Maybe I’m bitter because I work at an ice cream shop and see most of that. Hmmm….anyhooch, I have a person for your list.
Dr. Ellen Ochoa~ She is the first hispanic woman in space, an inventor and not to mention a hottie. no, actually just kidding about the last part.
~I’ve decided for the summer I shall be doing skits in humbolt park and the dancers (including myself) shall be doing dance specials as well. Needed to do something worthwhile. Oh I wanted to ask you what the name of that organization thats for young people up to 21 years old on division is.
Oh, my son read me that list and I was shaking with embarrassment for our country. Ronald Reagan! The Iran-Contra man. They guy who fell asleep at summit meetings. The guy who said “the bombing begins in five minutes” as a joke on a radio show. And like Tim, I’m equally appalled at the inclusion of Massive Failure George W. Bush. This moron can’t think his way out of a paper bag, much less lead the country. God help us all.I would have voted for Thomas Jefferson or Alexander Hamilton. Tom because he basicially thought up the entire Consitution and our way of government. Alex because he created the National Treasury. If it weren’t for Hamilton, we wouldn’t even have a solvent country. Of course, W. is doing the best he can to ruin all of Hamilton’s work.RYC: This Third of July nonsense began long ago, when I was quite young. Somehow they though it would give people the night to play and then the Fourth to get over it. I guess the idea was that the Fourth sometimes happens before a work day. But, it’s still stupid, and almost every suburb still has its celebration on the Fourth. Happy Independence Day in Michigan.Lynn
RYC, again: I thought I’d just add that I must be a nutcase, but I find it a little too cool right now. I like summers HOT. The 90s didn’t really bother me (except when I was playing tennis) and I love the chance to wear all the those tiny little halter tops and things that we only can wear for about three months of the year. (okay, I have to coat myself with sunblock and I don’t tan, but still…) I always tell people “Remember winter” when they start complaining about the heat. I know the 70s are perfect for most people. I just have cold blood or something. That wind on Thursday night was wonderfully refreshing, but today I have on long pants. sigh.And when is it going to rain?????Lynn
Mmmm…. good choices (on your part, not the rest of the country). Who else would I add to your list? Let’s see…FDR, for creating the social welfare state as we know (knew) it, until Reagan came along and set the stage for its slow and penetrating eradication; Gloria Steinem, for jump-starting a much-needed feminist movement; Barbara Enrenreich, for bringing important sociological studies to the mainstream (and pleasantly readable) press; Susan Sontag, for exuding brilliance; Toni Morrison, for her wonderfully powerful stories; Tim O’Brien, for being one of the best damn writers on the planet; Katha Pollitt, for her dead-on accurate social observations; Saskia Sassen, for providing us with a better way to understand globalization and its discontents; Albert Einstein, because that seems totally obvious; Elizabeth Cady Stanton, because I’m fucking glad I can vote; and Paul Simon, for sharing Graceland with the world.