February 4, 2005

• 

  I am very lucky person. My best friend is one of the most funny, outgoing, smart, loyal, and unique individuals I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He forges through life creating new definitions for tired labels. He challenges the strict path that society tells us we need to be on in order to be “contributing citizens,” (college, career, marriage, kids, retirement, death) acknowledging that it is really just a ploy to fuel the capitalist machine. He enriches the communities he lives in. He makes his life his own. He snorts when he laughs. Embarrassingly hung over, I recently puked in a candy dish of his. His name is Bryan, but I call him Byron or Tinos. Today is his birthday. Which explains this enourmous, hillarious, and ancient picture of him at age 16 tweaking his nipple to the camera. Oh, how I love birthday tricks!

  In honor of Bryan, and in honor of best friends everywhere, I am sharing the following piece with you. While it has little to do with friendship in and of itself, it was inspired by our giddy conversations, our hilariously raunchy emails, and our shared history based on laughing at the world and ourselves.

  Bryan and I often laugh about the right wing conspiracy that gays are so very threatening to the straight status quo. But beneath the laughter, there is always something more. It hurts to have someone as amazing and giving as my Byron is bashed by anyone—even if they are nothing more than stupid bigots. Those stupid bigots have somehow sequestered political power from people with a genuine commitment to civil rights. In a country that marches into other lands with our phony “freedom” and “democracy,” Bryan isn’t privy to the basic rights I have as a straight American.

  So, without further ado, and with an ever-mounting disgust for the right wing, I present this little sarcastic little article, co-written with my husband, specifically for my best friend on his birthday. I love you Tinos!
  ____________________________________________________________________________________________________

  Insurgents Struggle Beneath Gay Militant Maneuvers

  © The Authors, 2/3/2005

  Recently, the militant gay assembly has reassessed its agenda to tear human existence apart at the crotch seams. The group has employed new aggressive tactics in its self-proclaimed “Operation Hetero Freedom,” or “War for Liberation.” Gays have reluctantly withdrawn troupes from civilian centers, where they were stationed to hump the pant legs of innocent straight bi-standers. They have moved on to tactics designed specifically to shock and awe—cartoon bunnies and sponges with square pants.

  The cartoon tactic, dubbed “Color Me Badd,” began in 2001, when militant gays infiltrated Nickelodeon studios. Sodomites and Lesbos fought side by side for a cartoon character that would win the hearts and minds of America’s youth while revealing moist holes. “Sponge Bob Square Pants offered exactly what we were looking for to up our recruitment numbers,” Private Sharon Beavers said, “it is the duty of all patriots to instill [hard] core hole values from an early age.”

  Despite poor fashion sense, Sponge Bob is a poster child for Gay life. He holds hands with his lover, a starfish named Patrick, and the two often engage in quadruple penetration, with starfish tentacles tenderly occupying sponge holes. Their friend Sally, a squirrel and obvious fag hag, supports Patrick and Sponge Bob in their commitment to each other. The show also features a meowing snail.

  Mission “Color Me Badd” also includes forcing the cartoon bunny, Buster Baxter, from the PBS series, “Postcards from Buster,” to interview raging dykes engaging in cunnilingus on screen. The gay militants forced Buster to travel all the way to Vermont; a state that supports same-sex civil unions, in order to capture the sex acts of the butch and fem on film.

  President Bush’s newly appointed education secretary, Margaret Spelling has condemned the cartoon bunny and the publicly funded airwaves it travels on as an, “Axis of Schmaxmis.” Spelling continued, “Many parents would not want their young children exposed to the lifestyle portrayed in the episode.” The militant gays couldn’t agree with Spelling’s statement more, which exactly why it is a crucial tactic in their fight against heteroism. Militant gay, Colonel Chick McDick stated, “Graphic lesbian sex is one of the corner stones of our great country. If parents can’t understand that, then at least we have a shot with their kids.”

  Right wing insurgents have been orchestrating feeble attempts at defense through litigation and public demonstrations. Reverend Donald Wildmon, head of the American Family Association, and James Dobson, founder of the Colorado-Springs based activist group, Focus on Family became particularly vocal, alleging that the militant gays were “promoting tolerance” and attempting to spread their disease to impressionable children through pedophiliac tactics. The gays don’t deny the charges.

  “It’s been a long, hard slog,” Sergeant Bob Fersemen said. “We’ve tried so many initiatives: Tickle Me Elmo, Telletubbies, Bert and Ernie, Pinocchio and Geppeto—and we’ve never gotten such good response as Sponge Bob or Buster Baxter. I hate to say it, but I want to prolong this as long as possible. The liberation of youth feels so good. I dread the exit strategy.”

  The Right Wing insurgents claim allegiance to Pope John Paul II, who is currently recovering from being old, and has been hiding in a Spider Hole in an undisclosed location in Rome. In a tape released last month exclusively to Fox News, the Pope advises followers to beware of the militant gay assembly’s Biological Warfare of Cooties. In an unintelligible voice, the Pope specifically stated, “You can catch ‘gay’ easier than crabs from an Italian hooker’s anus!” The Pope also made mention of an abominable snowman.

  Spokespersons for the militant gays, cast of the smash hit show, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, poo-pooed the Pope’s remarks during the national State of the Wardrobe address. In perfect unison, the limp-wrists exclaimed, “Papa—don’t Preach.”
  _________________________________________________________________________________________________

  • 3:36 am
  • 6 Comments